


Should've never left you broken should've held you

by ShyAudacity



Series: Poor Jack Laurens [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Caring Eliza, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Henry Laurens is a dirt bag, Hercules is a good friend, Hurt/Comfort, John Needs A Hug, Lafayette is a good friend, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Therapy, Worried Alexander, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 09:11:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7885153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander halts as he walks into his apartment, shocked at the sight before him. I’ve never seen someone look so lost in their own skin He thinks to himself. John is sitting on the floor in front of their couch, his legs kicked out in front of him. His face holds no emotion; he just stares blankly at the wall in front of him. Eliza is sitting on the couch directly behind him, not touching John at all, just watching him nervously. </p><p>OR</p><p>John has a panic attack at work, and this is what follows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Should've never left you broken should've held you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: That's enough for now by The Fray because I'm still super emo. You don't have to read the first work in the series, but it'll probably make more sense if you do.

Alexander is watching John get ready for work and he can tell that something isn’t right. He’d tossed and turned the night before, and is being unusually quiet this morning. Alexander doesn’t comment on it though, and simply chalks it up to John being tired.   

He texts John on his way to work: _Hey love, have a good day. Call me if you need to, I love you._

Alexander doesn’t get a response, but he’s not too worried about it. He knows that John has his meeting with Jefferson today, he’d been dreading it all week. He’s nervous about the outcome, but he knew that this meeting had to happen eventually.

Both men began to realize that something was wrong after John had a massive panic attack just a couple weeks before. Alexander had come home to find him _crying_ , something that John never did. Things had only escalated from there. A few days later, John had admitted to having been depressed for a long time, and expressed his feelings of wanting to die.

Alexander had suggested to John that he speak with his boss, Jefferson. While John wasn’t fond of the man, he agreed that he might be able to help John with the issues that he has been having. While, yes, they are both doctors, Alexander knew all about Johns tendencies to overlook his own problems. It was later settled that John would sit down with Jefferson and discuss what had been going on with him. Alexander is unbelievably proud of him.

He’s at work, typing up a rough draft of something that Washington had requested him to write, when his phone goes off. It’s a phone call from John. _That’s odd,_ he thinks to himself, _John never calls me at work._ He’s just about to answer it when Washington himself raps on his door.

“Alexander.”

“Sir.”

He laughs lightly. “I’ve told you, you don’t need to call me sir.”

“What can I say? I’m a creature of habit.”

“Fair enough,” Washington says. “How is the speech for our presentation with the senator coming?”

“Good,” His phone goes off again. “I’m just about done with the first draft; I should have it done by Friday.”

“That’s good to hear. Speaking of which, how has John been? I haven’t seen him around the office in a while.”

“He’s been…alright. He has a meeting with his boss today.” Alexander’s phone goes off for a third time, he’s getting anxious.

“Everything alright?”

“I’m not quite sure, I’m sorry I should take this.” He tells Washington. “John?”

“ _Alexander?_ ” A familiar woman’s voice says. He thinks he can hear someone crying in the background.

“Eliza? What’s going on? Where’s John?”

“ _He’s right here.”_ She tells Alexander. “ _I found him outside of Jefferson’s office having a panic attack, so I tried calming him down. Nothing was working so I figured that I should call you. Plus, he keeps asking for you. Alexander, I don’t know if he knows where he is right now. He’s not making any sense._ ”

“Put him on, I want to talk to him.” He tells her. He hears some shuffling and the sounds of harsh breathing on the other end. “John?”

“ _Alex?”_ his heart drops at the sound of John’s voice. He sounds so distraught.

“Yeah, baby it’s me. I’m here.”

“ _I c-can’t breathe Alex. Make it stop, I don’t, I don’ t like it_.”

“I know, baby, I know. Just listen to my voice okay? Focus on my voice. I need you to take a deep breath in and then exhale slowly. Can you do that for me?” He waits until he hears John breathe deeply before continuing. “Good, that’s good sweetheart. Deep breaths in and out. Keep going, it’ll be over soon.”

It takes another ten minutes of Alexander cooing at John over the phone to finally calm him down. _“I’m tired, Ham.”_

“I know honey. But you can get some rest soon, okay? I promise.” He then got John to give the phone back to Eliza, and asked her to take him back to their apartment. He hung up, looked up from his phone then ran his hands over his face. Immediately, he jumps to his feet, knowing that he needs to be with John. He’s in the middle of pulling on his jacket when he hears someone clear their throat. He looks up to see Washington standing in the doorway, looking at Alexander with a worried expression.

“Alexander, is everything okay?”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I have to go home. John, he uh-.”

“You don’t have to tell me.” He says stepping towards the younger man. “Go home, take care of John. Take the rest of the week off, the speech can wait a few days. Don’t worry about it, we’ll figure something out. Go be with John, it’s obvious that he needs you right now.”

He nods, grabs the rest of his things, then all but runs to the first taxi that he sees parked on the street. He’s thankful that he doesn’t live far from the office, and they somehow manage to hit all the green lights. He bursts into his building, and then reminds himself to calm down, because he’s knows that over reacting isn’t going to make John feel any better.

Alexander halts as he walks into his apartment, shocked at the sight before him. _I’ve never seen someone look so lost in their own skin_ He thinks to himself. John is sitting on the floor in front of their couch, his legs kicked out in front of him. His face holds no emotion; he just stares blankly at the wall in front of him. Eliza is sitting on the couch directly behind him, not touching John at all, just watching him nervously. She meets Alexander at the door when he walks in.

“Has he said anything to you?”

“No,” She says in a hushed tone. “He hasn’t said anything since you two got off the phone. I tried helping him up the stairs, but he didn’t seem to like it too much when I touched him. He won’t look at me either. Has this happened before, Alexander?”

“Sort of. Thank you for taking him home, I’ve got it from here.”

“Any time, text me later to let me know how he’s doing, okay?”

Alexander nods, then kisses her cheek just before she leaves. He turns back to John to find him seated at their kitchen table, his arms crossed in front of him with his head down. Alexander sits across from him, not wanting to make John uncomfortable.

“Is it okay if I hold your hand, sweetheart?”

Instead of speaking, John reached his hand out slightly and let Alexander take a hold of his fingers. The two of them sat there in silence. Alexander didn’t want to pressure him into talking about what happened, and John simply wasn’t up for speaking.

“Do want to stay here a little while longer, or would you like to go into the bedroom? You might be more comfortable that way.” Alexander asked him.

“Bed.” He mumbled. Alexander stood, still holding his lovers hand, and walked with him towards their bedroom. John let go of his hand once they were through the doorway, then crawled onto the bed. He covered his face with a pillow, not bothering to pull the blankets over his head. Carefully, Alexander pulled off his work shoes, then picked up his feet and set them into his lap.

“Do you want me to go, or can I stay?”

“I want to be alone…please.” John said, his voice muffled by the pillow. Alexander gave his ankle a squeeze, then left him alone.   

He found little ways to keep himself busy. Did the dishes, folded some laundry, and tried to work on his speech for the senator’s presentation. But his attention kept drifting back to John; he kept looking back at his bedroom door. Alexander knew that he should give John some space, but he couldn’t help but worry. As much as he wanted to ask what had happened, he knew that it would come up eventually.

After while he ran out of things to do, so he decided to watch a movie. He was lying on the couch, half way through the movie when he heard a door creak and the patter of feet on the hardwood. He craned his neck to John coming out of their room, wrapped in a blanket. He walked directly over to Alexander and made himself comfortable by lying on his chest and burying his face into the other man’s throat.

“Hi.” He mumbled.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Alexander said, running a gentle hand through John’s hair. “Is this okay? Me touching you, I mean.”

He nodded, Alexander continued. “Do you feel any better? I can make us some dinner if you want. Or we can get take out.”

John shook his head. “Can we just stay here for a while? I don’t feel like moving just yet.”   

“Yeah, yeah sure. How did your meeting with Jefferson go? Did he have any suggestions?”

John was silent for a long moment. “We never had the meeting.”

“What do you mean? Eliza said-.”

“My dad called this morning.” He stated.

Alexander doesn’t say anything else, just holds onto him a little tighter. He knows how John feels about his old man. Henry has never liked that his son is gay, once, he even tried to send him to conversion therapy. The two of them hadn’t seen each other in years, and every time that he called, it left John in pieces.

Alexander has only met Henry Laurens twice. The first time was his and Johns first thanksgiving as a couple. Johns stepmother had invited them, and at Alexander’s request they went. Henry spent most of the time talking to his other children opposed to John. When he did speak to him, none of it was kind. The two of them left before desert was served.

The second and last time they met was a few months after thanksgiving. Henry Jr. had gotten killed in a car accident one night shortly before he was supposed to graduate from college. John was too numb, too shocked to cry about it. Regardless, Alexander accompanied John to the funeral. His father didn’t so much as acknowledge him. That night, post funeral, John got the most drunk he’s ever been in his life. Alexander swears he’s never seen John so angry, never seen someone so miserable.   

Needless to say, Henry doesn’t get a card from all of his children come Father’s Day.

“Do you wanna know what he said?” John asked from his spot on Alexander’s chest.

“No,” he told him. “No need to make you relive it.”

 *****************************

The next day, Alexander tries his damn hardest to keep him home from work. John refuses, claiming he has to go speak with Jefferson to make up for the meeting he’d missed that day before. He lets him go, but hugs him a little harder than he usually would, just for good measure.

He spends the day in his office trying to finish up the speech, keyword _trying_. He works until noon then gives in and calls John on his lunch break. It goes straight to voicemail, and he forces himself not to overthink it. “Hey babe, it’s me. Just thought I would check in to see how your day was going. Hopefully your meeting with Jefferson went well. Alright, text me or something, I’ll see you tonight. I love you, bye.”

Twenty minutes later he gets a text from John that says: _We have a lot to talk about._ Alexander isn’t sure what to make of it.

*******************************

When he gets home, John is talking about his meeting before he’s even bothered to take his shoes off.

“Jefferson thinks that I should see a psychiatrist.”

 “A psychiatrist? You mean like therapy?” Alexander says from where he’s seated at the couch.

“He even recommended one. Maria Reynolds, she’s a resident at the hospital.”

“Wow. What did you say?”

“I told him that I would think about it. I wanted to talk to you about before I made any big decisions.”  

They do talk about it, talk about it like one talks about an illness or a funeral. It’s brief and neither of them really say what they’re feeling. The couple comes to a decision about getting John a counselor. But it takes a bad day and a couple of friends to help them make the decision.

It isn’t uncommon for John to still be sleeping when Alexander gets up in the morning. It often takes him awhile to wake up and stay awake. But, a few days after his meeting with Jefferson, John is still in bed when Alexander is leaving for work. He finds this unsettling, so he goes in to check on his boyfriend.

“John? Sweetheart, you feeling okay?”

John has most of the covers pulled over his head, as if doing so would make it easier to hide. He doesn’t respond even after Alexander comes and sits on the edge of the bed. He spends twenty minutes trying to coax his lover into getting out of bed, but to no avail. John won’t budge, and Alexander is getting worried. He gets up, goes out into their living room, then calls Jefferson and Washington. Informing them that neither one of them will be coming into work that day.

The next thing that he does is call Herc and Lafayette. Because he’s certain that he doesn’t know what to do. The two of them arrive together less than twenty minutes after Alexander called them. He silently thanks whomever is listening for giving him such trustworthy and caring friends.

“Where is he? Where’s John?” Herc says as soon as the door is open. Alexander gestures to the bedroom and they push past him. He follows his friends into his room, both curious and nervous to see what will happen next.

“John? It’s Herc.” He says, crouched at his bedside. “Laf and Alexander are here too. We just wanna help, okay?”

“You shouldn’t be here.” A muffled voice says. Herc shoots a weary look to Lafayette and Alexander.

“Do you want me to leave?” He asks. When there’s no answer, he takes it as a no. Herc kicks his shoes off, then sits behind John on the bed, with his legs crossed. Lafayette and Alexander follow his actions. Lafayette takes over the spot on the floor where his large friend had previously been at John’s bedside. Alexander makes himself comfortable at the foot of the bed, unsure of where else to go.     

It’s nearly two in the afternoon before John shows signs of being alive under the blankets. Lafayette is the first one to notice, first one to see Johns curls coming out of the blanket. He pulls the blanket back just enough that his eyes are visible.

“Hey kid,” Lafayette says. “You ready to come out?”

“No thanks, I already did that once. It was bad enough the first time.” John murmurs.

Lafayette scoffs while the other two shake their heads, laughing lightly.

“You don’t need to be here.”

“And yet here we are,” Herc says. “You’re our best friend, John we’re going to be here for you no matter what.”

“And I am going to love you no matter what.” Alexander says, crawling towards him. He throws his arm over John's waist and sticks his face into the bundle of dark curls. John rolls over and lets his boyfriend cuddle him before he finally sits up.

“You wanna talk about it?” Lafayette asks.

John shakes his head.

“Alright,” he says. “It can wait.”

******************************* 

The next morning, Alexander makes an appointment for John with Dr. Reynolds. John agrees, knowing that this is a fight he would never win, and not talking about his problems won’t fix anything.  She pencils him in for the upcoming Tuesday, and John feels incredibly nervous about the whole thing.

In hindsight, he knows that he should go, but he finds himself dreading it more and more the closer they get to Tuesday. Seeing his nerves, Alexander promises to accompany him to the appointment.    

Both of them took off of work Tuesday, and John was a jittery mess.

“Are you sure that it’s too late to cancel?” he asked that morning.

Alex snorted lightly. “Yes, babe, it’s too late to cancel. Don’t let it worry you too much, I’ll be right there with you. It’ll be just fine.”

A few hours later, the two of them found themselves seated on a couch in Maria’s office. In the room, there was another small couch, a desk, and a chair for Maria. She sat in front of them, her legs crossed, a small smile on her face.

“Is there anywhere that you would like to start?” She asked.

John shrugged.

“Can you tell me why you made the appointment? Or what preempted it?”

“My boss, Dr. Jefferson, he suggested it. I told him about some…stuff that has been going on and he suggested therapy. Him and Hamilton made it sound like a good idea. I have a tendency to bottle things up. My old man used to say if someone shook me that I’d explode from the pressure.”

Maria made a note in her book. “He sounds interesting. Are you close with him?”

“No, not at all. Up until a couple weeks ago, we hadn’t spoken to each other in months.” He stiffened in his seat and Alexander grabbed his hand. “We’ve never really seen eye to eye.”

“That’s a shame. Do you have any other family?”

“I have siblings, but all of them are half, none fully blood-related. Other than that, I’ve just got Ham and my best friends. I’m lucky to have them all in my life.”

Alexander smiles at him.

“Good,” Maria says. “It’s good that you’re aware of those things. If you don’t mind me asking, can you tell me what you and your father spoke about when the two of you last talked?”                                  

“Uh,” John stammered. “It was more of him telling me how disappointed he is in me and me having to take it. Nothing that I hadn’t already heard before, but still.”

“Well, I’m sorry that you had to go through that. What did you do after the conversation ended?”

“I had a panic attack.”

“Can you tell me what you were feeling? While you were having the panic attack?”

“I felt… stuck. I kept hearing his voice in my head and I couldn’t get away from it. I felt like I was back at my old house again. I don’t have a lot of good memories from there.”

“It’s common for people to dissociate while in the midst of an episode like that. Do you remember what happened after that?”

“Sort of. I was at work when it happened, and my friend Eliza had found me while it was happening, but I don’t remember her showing up. I remember hearing Ham’s voice and him calming me down. After that, it had stopped and Eliza took me home. I just figured that she had called him.”

“Alexander, is that true?” Maria asked him.

He nodded. “Eliza had called me saying that she’d found him having a panic attack and that he had been asking for me. So I did my best to calm him down. Eventually, it worked and then I had Eliza take him home for me and I left work early stayed at home with him.”

“Good. It’s good that you were able to make him feel safe and help him relax. If you’d like, I can give you some tips for what to do in case it should happen again, how does that sound?”

They both nodded, and he felt himself relax. For the first time in a while, John didn’t feel as nervous as he usually did. It helped him to believe that things were going to get better for once. He had been hoping for a long time that this would happen, and now it finally was.

For the first time in a while, he decided that hope wasn’t so pointless after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I really hope that you liked it. This took me way too long to write, to be honest. Please let me know what you thought of it. I hope you have a great day.


End file.
